The sound of raindrops hitting your umbrella. (as much as I never bring an umbrella with me when I need it)
Taking a deep breath and feeling the icy air move into you, filling your lungs, and then exhaling – like you actually do fit in with your surroundings.
The frosty wind against your cheeks, the split second where it feels as if ice has formed on your face. (This and the point above, obviously, only possible in a temperate country)
The sound of Martin Johnson’s voice. Singing.
Making random lists and…
not finishing them.
I think what’s most important now is to find something to look forward to everyday, and every week. To find small things to be thankful for at every moment. To be content.
Polyforum 2014 was great, as I knew it would be. I’ve found amazing friends in those I’ve met along the way. Friends who constantly build me up and encourage me even though my standards sometimes pale in comparison to theirs. Friends who always look out for each other. Friends who treasure and appreciate each other.
I can’t say that internship so far has been easy. But I won’t say that it’s been terrible either. It sure takes a lot of getting used to, waking up at the same time every morning and attempting to get a foot in the door of the very many buses I have to end up missing, sitting in front of my laptop from 930-630 without bothering to get up and go for a lunch break. Because everything is expensive. And I want to get my work done. And it can get so bloody lonely.
What’s important is to find something to look forward to.
School’s out, and life is getting confusing. IDMC was great though!
We’re halfway through PolyForum and wow has it been a ride. But I’m looking forward to the residential stay in JB because I know with the company of facils I have, things will end up being great somehow. I just hope history doesn’t repeat itself (I’ll explain what I’m afraid of if you ask me ok hahaha).
And then… internship starts on 1 Oct. Saying that I’m terribly afraid would be an understatement. But God will go before me and make a way, I know he will. ☺︎
I don’t really have a holiday this time around. But what I have is newfound friendships I’m very thankful for. Really. Very.
(Why do I only blog when I have a heavy heart haha this is making my blog sound so emo hahahaha)
I remember what it was like to wake up every morning feeling like my world had stopped. To run to the toilet to burst into tears the first thing in the morning and to cry myself to sleep every night. To wake up and hate my life even before getting out of bed. To randomly burst into tears, to have to force myself not to cry when talking. For no reason at all.
You know it’s true in the song when he says that you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. Because even though it felt like someone threw a blanket over me to depress my soul and I couldn’t find a way out, I didn’t want to. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s just hard to find the willingness to want to get out of it. Then again, it’s not a sharp pain. It’s a dull pain. And it’s not like daily functions and routines can’t be carried out. It’s not like I can’t laugh or smile because some conversations do make me happy. It’s just that the feeling is always there. Like a dark corner inside me. And sometimes the darkness just takes over, even when there is nothing to even be mildly upset about.
I also remember making this blog public because there were so many things going on in my life that I wasn’t talking about and it upset some people that I never told anyone. So here’s how I tell you that those days have been coming back.
I wish that blanket could be taken off. Boo. ☹
And I should be doing work. Which I will do, after this. Haven’t written anything in forever and I just felt like posting something.
So a lot of things have been going on recently, with Year 3 in full swing (school will be over in 2 weeks????????) and internship interviews and my b-f-f-f-f-f going into the army (☹). But I’m very thankful because God has been bringing me through and giving me strength, showing me love through various means. Yes, I had hit rock bottom and did some things I wasn’t proud of but it made me see that I wasn’t alone. And things have been getting better ever since I realised that. (I also started writing in my little black book again).
My internship has been more or less settled and wowwwww excitessssssss (I can tell you more if you ask me ☺︎)
Today was a ‘weak day’, a day that I suddenly become weak and start shaking and all sorts of stuff related to my blood pressure (these days do come at random hahaha) but I managed to be okay and spend time with G on his first book out. Yay ☺︎ I also get to sit in my room and listen to Ed Sheeran while doing work (because the wifi works in my room now!!), so I have a lot to be thankful for.
It’s not like the bad days have disappeared or that I’m always contented and happy all the time, but I’ve been reminded to turn to God always, no matter what. And that’s really all I need ☺︎
(I’ll write an update in 2 weeks hopefully! School will officially be over then and all that’d be left of my poly life would be internship wow)
Never thought I could pour out as much as I did, but I’m glad I did. In other news, I’m thankful to have you even closer than before. I could get used to this, but I really shouldn’t. Taught to be thankful for every single friendship made, every relationship built. To love others with the love that God first showed me. To accept others and their downfalls because God accepted me in my darkest days. To have no fear in failure to please, because God is love and His love is complete. To remember that we all fall sometimes. To forgive. Some things I thought I was over, some people I thought I had forgiven.. and I can’t tell if the hurt I still feel whenever I recount means that I have. But I know that some things like my yearn to please and be accepted… It’s a constant struggle but then I just have to always remember that God first loved me. It’s really amazing, isn’t it. His love. I hope one day you will know of it too. Because you mean more to me than any superficial crush or “first-love”. You’re my… constant. I like that. Thank you for being my friend. For making me feel protected. Like I was worth someone’s time. No, not in the 爱情 way but- you know. I don’t think I have to explain it. I’m glad I have you ☺︎
Wow that was fun. Yesterday/this morning – that was one hell of a match. Not what I expected. But at least it wasn’t the same 4-1 crushing defeat like the last time. It’s indescribable, isn’t it? The feelings you get when your team loses (or wins). Anyway. It seemed like the most challenging thing in the world was to be able to stay awake this morning. But suddenly after the most epic time of “swimming” with the best people I know – I’m more awake? Yes, they’re my constant too. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to get through life without them ♡. They’re my family, and I’m glad that I got to grow up with some of them and that we’ll be able to grow old together ☺︎. Life’s so pleasant at the moment, I really don’t want to go back to living the life of a student. I want to be able to learn about God and grow and walk with Him everyday, surrounded by people filled with His love. Then again, I can do that back in Singapore. Juussssstttttt….with a gabillion other things I have to do at the same time. Yep. But I want to keep running and keep fighting and keep spreading his Word till the very end. So that I can say that I have done the work that was required of me. Prayer. And encouragement. Yes. The most important things that we more often than not forget about, and take for granted. Encouragement. Well. I appreciate you ☺︎.
It hasn’t been easy. It’s getting harder and harder to pretend that these things don’t affect me when they’re probably the only thing that’s capable of singlehandedly bringing me down. Either way, I’m thankful for everyone around. Seeing some of the church people 4 days in a row this week. It’s like church camp all over again!!! Okay maybe not. But you get the point. Thankful. So thankful.
So yes, yesterday was CTSS’ 4th musical, and it was aaaaamaaazzzingggggg. Wish I could’ve been a part of it, but hey, we all gotta let go sometimes. So proud of all the juniors I met during West Side Story. It’s crazy to see how much they’ve grown, from our stage crew to the main/supporting characters. :’)
But yesterday was a huge reminder of how much things have changed for the better. It’s like I had completely forgotten about everything that once was my daily nightmare. Much like Polly (the lead) I too once spent all my time in the library. Away from everything. Not understanding why people could be so mean. Or why it had to be me. But I enjoyed living vicariously through all the different books that I read so much, and my name was on the top borrowers list outside the library for quite a long time.
Books about a man who learnt how to walk on coals, about a Japanese girl who fell in love with her landlord in America, about a shopaholic, about sappy teenage love stories, about cupcakes, about anything and everything.
I dreaded the sound of the school bell at the end of recess. And yes, because I spent all my time hiding in the library I only know of the Chicken Cutlet (LEGENDARYYYYY) stall at our old campus. I only went to the drinks/snacks store after that. Why even bother trying to sit down at a table, right? (I also saved a lot of money then because I didn’t eat in school haha) So I really felt on top of the world when I got out of the car on my birthday and a few classmates shouted “happy birthday!!!!”. This is why I really appreciate the smallest of gestures.
Yet despite all those days that I woke up wishing I had died in my sleep, wondering why I had to face the day again, why everything bad was happening to me, here I am.
And I’m sure that there are many others who were/are like us. Well, carpe diem, go out there and find the best in people. And yes sometimes you might get pushed around and knocked down but at least you know you tried. :)
“And well, you turned out great :)”
“I’m glad I did hahaha :)”
“Glad you did :)”