A Few Favourite Things

The sound of raindrops hitting your umbrella. (as much as I never bring an umbrella with me when I need it)

Taking a deep breath and feeling the icy air move into you, filling your lungs, and then exhaling – like you actually do fit in with your surroundings.

The frosty wind against your cheeks, the split second where it feels as if ice has formed on your face. (This and the point above, obviously, only possible in a temperate country)

The sound of Martin Johnson’s voice. Singing.

NACHO CHEESE!

Making random lists and…
not finishing them.

 

To Look Ahead

I think what’s most important now is to find something to look forward to everyday, and every week. To find small things to be thankful for at every moment. To be content.

Polyforum 2014 was great, as I knew it would be. I’ve found amazing friends in those I’ve met along the way. Friends who constantly build me up and encourage me even though my standards sometimes pale in comparison to theirs. Friends who always look out for each other. Friends who treasure and appreciate each other.

I can’t say that internship so far has been easy. But I won’t say that it’s been terrible either. It sure takes a lot of getting used to, waking up at the same time every morning and attempting to get a foot in the door of the very many buses I have to end up missing, sitting in front of my laptop from 930-630 without bothering to get up and go for a lunch break. Because everything is expensive. And I want to get my work done. And it can get so bloody lonely.

What’s important is to find something to look forward to.

Just To Sum Things Up

School’s out, and life is getting confusing. IDMC was great though!

We’re halfway through PolyForum and wow has it been a ride. But I’m looking forward to the residential stay in JB because I know with the company of facils I have, things will end up being great somehow. I just hope history doesn’t repeat itself (I’ll explain what I’m afraid of if you ask me ok hahaha).

And then… internship starts on 1 Oct. Saying that I’m terribly afraid would be an understatement. But God will go before me and make a way, I know he will.  ☺︎

I don’t really have a holiday this time around. But what I have is newfound friendships I’m very thankful for. Really. Very.

 

(Why do I only blog when I have a heavy heart haha this is making my blog sound so emo hahahaha)

Stop

I remember what it was like to wake up every morning feeling like my world had stopped. To run to the toilet to burst into tears the first thing in the morning and to cry myself to sleep every night. To wake up and hate my life even before getting out of bed. To randomly burst into tears, to have to force myself not to cry when talking. For no reason at all. 

You know it’s true in the song when he says that you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. Because even though it felt like someone threw a blanket over me to depress my soul and I couldn’t find a way out, I didn’t want to. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s just hard to find the willingness to want to get out of it. Then again, it’s not a sharp pain. It’s a dull pain. And it’s not like daily functions and routines can’t be carried out. It’s not like I can’t laugh or smile because some conversations do make me happy. It’s just that the feeling is always there. Like a dark corner inside me. And sometimes the darkness just takes over, even when there is nothing to even be mildly upset about. 

I also remember making this blog public because there were so many things going on in my life that I wasn’t talking about and it upset some people that I never told anyone. So here’s how I tell you that those days have been coming back. 

 

I wish that blanket could be taken off. Boo. ☹

It’s A Public Holiday!

And I should be doing work. Which I will do, after this. Haven’t written anything in forever and I just felt like posting something.

So a lot of things have been going on recently, with Year 3 in full swing (school will be over in 2 weeks????????) and internship interviews and my b-f-f-f-f-f going into the army (☹). But I’m very thankful because God has been bringing me through and giving me strength, showing me love through various means. Yes, I had hit rock bottom and did some things I wasn’t proud of but it made me see that I wasn’t alone. And things have been getting better ever since I realised that. (I also started writing in my little black book again).

My internship has been more or less settled and wowwwww excitessssssss (I can tell you more if you ask me ☺︎)

Today was a ‘weak day’, a day that I suddenly become weak and start shaking and all sorts of stuff related to my blood pressure (these days do come at random hahaha) but I managed to be okay and spend time with G on his first book out. Yay ☺︎ I also get to sit in my room and listen to Ed Sheeran while doing work (because the wifi works in my room now!!), so I have a lot to be thankful for.

It’s not like the bad days have disappeared or that I’m always contented and happy all the time, but I’ve been reminded to turn to God always, no matter what. And that’s really all I need ☺︎

(I’ll write an update in 2 weeks hopefully! School will officially be over then and all that’d be left of my poly life would be internship wow)

7 Days

1.
Never thought I could pour out as much as I did, but I’m glad I did. In other news, I’m thankful to have you even closer than before. I could get used to this, but I really shouldn’t.  Taught to be thankful for every single friendship made, every relationship built. To love others with the love that God first showed me. To accept others and their downfalls because God accepted me in my darkest days. To have no fear in failure to please, because God is love and His love is complete. To remember that we all fall sometimes. To forgive. Some things I thought I was over, some people I thought I had forgiven.. and I can’t tell if the hurt I still feel whenever I recount means that I have. But I know that some things like my yearn to please and be accepted… It’s a constant struggle but then I just have to always remember that God first loved me. It’s really amazing, isn’t it. His love. I hope one day you will know of it too. Because you mean more to me than any superficial crush or “first-love”. You’re my… constant. I like that. Thank you for being my friend. For making me feel protected. Like I was worth someone’s time. No, not in the 爱情 way but- you know. I don’t think I have to explain it. I’m glad I have you ☺︎

3.
Wow that was fun. Yesterday/this morning – that was one hell of a match. Not what I expected. But at least it wasn’t the same 4-1 crushing defeat like the last time. It’s indescribable, isn’t it? The feelings you get when your team loses (or wins). Anyway. It seemed like the most challenging thing in the world was to be able to stay awake this morning. But suddenly after the most epic time of “swimming” with the best people I know – I’m more awake? Yes, they’re my constant too. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to get through life without them ♡. They’re my family, and I’m glad that I got to grow up with some of them and that we’ll be able to grow old together ☺︎. Life’s so pleasant at the moment, I really don’t want to go back to living the life of a student. I want to be able to learn about God and grow and walk with Him everyday, surrounded by people filled with His love. Then again, I can do that back in Singapore. Juussssstttttt….with a gabillion other things I have to do at the same time. Yep. But I want to keep running and keep fighting and keep spreading his Word till the very end. So that I can say that I have done the work that was required of me. Prayer. And encouragement. Yes. The most important things that we more often than not forget about, and take for granted. Encouragement. Well. I appreciate you ☺︎.

7.
It hasn’t been easy. It’s getting harder and harder to pretend that these things don’t affect me when they’re probably the only thing that’s capable of singlehandedly bringing me down. Either way, I’m thankful for everyone around. Seeing some of the church people 4 days in a row this week. It’s like church camp all over again!!! Okay maybe not. But you get the point. Thankful. So thankful.

Dear You… (Thank you)

So yes, yesterday was CTSS’ 4th musical, and it was aaaaamaaazzzingggggg. Wish I could’ve been a part of it, but hey, we all gotta let go sometimes. So proud of all the juniors I met during West Side Story. It’s crazy to see how much they’ve grown, from our stage crew to the main/supporting characters. :’)

But yesterday was a huge reminder of how much things have changed for the better. It’s like I had completely forgotten about everything that once was my daily nightmare. Much like Polly (the lead) I too once spent all my time in the library. Away from everything. Not understanding why people could be so mean. Or why it had to be me. But I enjoyed living vicariously through all the different books that I read so much, and my name was on the top borrowers list outside the library for quite a long time.

Books about a man who learnt how to walk on coals, about a Japanese girl who fell in love with her landlord in America, about a shopaholic, about sappy teenage love stories, about cupcakes, about anything and everything.

I dreaded the sound of the school bell at the end of recess. And yes, because I spent all my time hiding in the library I only know of the Chicken Cutlet (LEGENDARYYYYY) stall at our old campus. I only went to the drinks/snacks store after that. Why even bother trying to sit down at a table, right? (I also saved a lot of money then because I didn’t eat in school haha) So I really felt on top of the world when I got out of the car on my birthday and a few classmates shouted “happy birthday!!!!”. This is why I really appreciate the smallest of gestures.

Yet despite all those days that I woke up wishing I had died in my sleep, wondering why I had to face the day again, why everything bad was happening to me, here I am.

And I’m sure that there are many others who were/are like us. Well, carpe diem, go out there and find the best in people. And yes sometimes you might get pushed around and knocked down but at least you know you tried. :)

“And well, you turned out great :)”
“I’m glad I did hahaha :)”
“Glad you did :)”

:)

Ah Ma

I’m on silent retreat now and I know we’re supposed to try and stay away from these distractions like phones and especially computers, but I felt like this is something I have to do today. And so I’m on one of the hostel laptops yay. (I promise this is the only tab that’s open!)

When my ah ma was first admitted into the hospital, I thought nothing of it. I can’t figure out why either, but it just felt like… nothing. Then we went to visit her in the ICU and everything changed. She had tubes for everything you could think of, and just seeing her lying on the bed in her own huge glass room made me feel sick inside. The first few times I went to see her, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t dare to even touch her because I felt like I had no right to. It wasn’t like we were close.

We subsequently spent every day after that in the hospital by her bedside. Looking at her in that state made me think about how we used to have dinner with her every Sunday. And somehow we suddenly stopped. We hadn’t seen her for years, other than at Chinese New Year or her 2 birthday gatherings. They had 2 because they wanted to have a celebration where they could invite the entire extended family over. Because they said it might be her last. And of course I brushed that aside because I thought everyone was just being pessimistic.Her dementia was getting worse and that was all, right? Then I tried to remember her when she was independent, when she could take care of herself, when she didn’t require a helper to be with her all the time.

And I couldn’t.

It seemed like all I could remember of her was her being fed by others, being pushed in a wheelchair, or just lying in front of the TV with someone by her side. All I remembered was her asking us how old we were and what we were doing in life, over and over again on the same day. I remembered bringing her out several times and complaining in my heart about having to have someone to feed her and support her whenever we did. I remember everyone being very happy when she came to watch my first musical, that she could sing along to ye lai xiang after her dementia had set in. But I couldn’t seem to remember her before that.

But I forced myself to remember. And after a few days, I could see her scampering around her Mandarin Gardens apartment taking food out of the kitchen for us and everyone just asking her to sit down. And that was all I needed.

After a few days of being in the hospital I found the courage to hold her hand. And I did so every day after that. The hospital saw us studying, knitting, reading, playing, fighting, laughing, and crying. There were so many other patients that we met, including a 101 year old ah ma. The doctors and nurses all knew us, and we all knew them. Every waking hour for more than a month was spent at the hospital if I wasn’t in school.

And then suddenly for reasons unknown I found that I had stopped going by to visit everyday. I didn’t want to travel all the way to Novena from home just to sit there and stare at my grandmother lying there. And so I stopped. But I went back once, a few days before she passed on. And I’m thankful that I did.

I’ve never lost anyone before. Not someone like my ah ma. At first, I didn’t know how to feel, what to do, how to react. I was sitting in front of my laptop, so I told myself that I’d watch movies until I forgot how to feel. Except I couldn’t bring myself to, for some reason. So I started listening to songs about God. About how God was greater, bigger, higher than anything or anyone that I could ever know. I cannot be more thankful for the assurance we have in our salvation.

Support from family and friends poured out over the next few days, but the biggest help I had was from God and God alone. Granted, I still think about it everyday and I still cry, but I know that the Lord is my strength and that I can trust in Him. That although there was incense burning and bell ringing and chanting at the wake, my grandma was with God and nothing could change that. Even if the others wouldn’t accept or believe it, those of us who did had faith. At the funeral the only thing that kept me from bursting out into tears was God telling me that she wasn’t in that box that was going into the fire, she was in heaven. She was already in a better place. Better than anyone can possibly imagine.

This whole ‘saga’ didn’t just result in grief. The entire family was brought together and all 8 cousins were reunited. All 3 generations of the family flew back from 7 different places. We got to spend time with each other and discover things that we had in common (mostly because of genes). We got to show the rest of our family the immense support we got from the church, and the confidence that we had in our Lord.

I’ve learnt to trust in God’s perfect timing, to trust that He has the best plan for me. He loves us, and nothing will ever change that :)

I don’t know you… but I did.

It’s funny because I’ve never been in this situation before.

I remember the rehearsals we had for our graduation show back in 2011. I remember saying something about the way you played the guitar and cajon, and then having you all change my mind after listening to you play a few days later. It was awkward, but despite all our differences, we managed to somehow encourage each other and spur each other on towards playing for graduation. All of us.

I remember shyly walking up to your friend at prom to ask for a photo and you, in turn, cheekily asked my friend (whom you didn’t even know) for a photo. And you were ecstatic when you did. And that’s how we became friends on facebook. And it’s also how I’ve come to know about all this.

I don’t know you, but I did. And I know I can’t say anything about the kind of person you were because I didn’t know you well enough. But I can say that with whatever little time I had to know you, you were a good friend.

I can’t imagine what the people who actually knew you must be feeling. I’m so sorry this had to happen. :(

Dialogue.

So I’ve found myself sitting here with absolutely nothing to do: No one I know is around, I’m almost finishing my Starbucks, and my laptop has run out of battery (The charger is unnecessary weight for today hahaha).

In other words, I now have a lot of time to mull over everything that was shared during the course dialogue. I must say that the feedback given by the students was fairly consistent with the feedback given during the course review. And it’s really a wonderful thing that so many things in our course have changed due to our feedback, and feedback from our seniors.

I’m forced to think about how we always think the situation we are in (when it’s bad) is really bad and nothing could be worse. We thought year 1 assignments and due dates were bad… Then we got to year 2. I must say that I really DON’T LIKE YEAR 2. Hahaha. But really. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I don’t see myself doing drama/applied drama/theatre/psychology in the future. Maybe. It’s funny to think about how bent I was on #1: Music and Audio Technology, then #2: drama.

And look where I am now.

Hahaha. Having said that, I really love my course. And how poly life has changed so much about me. The way I view things, mostly. So much more of a paradigm shift than what I learnt during character education in secondary school. My goodness, the 7 habits. GenEd. It feels like the same situation.

Anyway. I really wish I could go to London with the course but it’s too bad I don’t have the money. And maybe the crazy passion for devising. And it’s too bad (again) that there won’t be any other trips overseas for our batch. On the bright side, I get to go to IMH, right?

Why do overseas educations have to be so expensive :(