SPOH14

Was wonderful.

Paper cranes, NEWater bottles, CASS booklets, Media and Communications tour stickers, pens with squishy bottoms, new friends from different courses, parents who interrogated us about our courses, parents who were intrigued by our meaningful use of art, parents who kept going on about how little money we would end up earning, and of course, lots and lots of students.

I’ve learnt more about my course, to say the least. Not that I was clueless, but I discovered the way it changes people, and most importantly I’ve discovered how I feel about it. And I’m very thankful that I was able to consult the DADP/DMC lecturers :-) But we’ll save that for another day.

2014 so far has been more smooth than I had expected it to be; I haven’t been stressed about submissions or assignments (I usually would be), I’ve found little bouts of free time for myself (which resulted in one cover, I’ll put the link on the bottom if you haven’t heard it yet hehe), and just the other night when I was thinking about what I could be thankful for, I ended up saying “Thank you God that I’m actually happy”, because there really isn’t anything to be upset about. I hope it stays this way :-)

In Christ Alone.

Sight.

First it starts with that uncomfortable feeling in your mind. Then your chest. Then everything starts tingling and only 2 words exist in your vocabulary. “oh no”. Then you start feeling really cold but you’re sweating like you’ve been running a marathon. You close your eyes trying to wish everything away and when you open them again everything’s just – gone.

So you pull your earpieces out of your ears (because everything sounds fuzzy) but because your entire body is numb it still feels like you have them in. And this whole time you’re waiting for someone to notice that your eyes have almost rolled to the back of your head and that you can barely stand up. And everything is sparkly and in black and white and the world has turned into a blob. Except no one does. 

What an exciting start to my 2014, praying that my eyesight would come back by the time the doors opened so I wouldn’t tumble out of the train. And thank God I could see outlines. That I’m a creature of habit and get out at the same cabin every time I take the train to school (if not I would’ve walked straight into the wall). That my mum’s name on was on top of the recent calls list so I could call her without being able to see clearly. And that my dad could fly over to pick me up. 

Even though I didn’t black out this time, it was so much more dramatic than when I did in 2012. Except this time it happened at Jurong East. HOW AM I GOING TO TAKE THE TRAIN TO SCHOOL WITHOUT BEING PETRIFIED NOW. Such is life.

Now let’s get back to my assignments I was on my way to school to do.

Christmas 2k13

I guess it’s been a really long time. Life’s been so hectic that whatever free time I have is simply wasted away. Without feeling guilty. :-)

So. It quite literally felt like I was on the top of the world by the time we finished our final set for CCIS, poised on Jason’s shoulders with my arms up in the air. That Friday, everything went as it should have. And I couldn’t be more thankful. After close to 6 months of endless rehearsals and meetings and just feeling so unmotivated and sluggish to head to the other end of Singapore every Saturday – it was over, and it went well. Sort of. On Thursday I stayed up all night haunted by the images of my fumbles and mistakes earlier that day, and I was so afraid that I might repeat the same mistakes the next day that the first time I went on stage on Friday it was all too easy to start crying (don’t worry that was part of the act). So I thank God for a smooth sailing Friday and for all the great friendships forged with all the other dancers. From strangers, to crew :’)

On Christmas eve the music ministry went carolling at the Angel Tree houses. The day before I was stuck at home with a fever and a sore throat, and so yet again I really thank God that I was well enough to make it through 3 houses for carolling. And it felt great to be able to share God’s love in english, mandarin, AND hokkien. To know that this Christmas, I used every talent that God has blessed me with to share His love and joy with those who had yet to know Him.

Of course, the best part was getting to stay the night at Kenneth & Grace’s amazing house with a few of the youth, and waking up Christmas morn to a delightful morning of home cooked goodness. :-)

This Christmas I’ve really learnt to be thankful, for everything. As I look on without ANY anticipation whatsoever what is anticipation anyway to the next school term which is going to be even worst that this term what could have been worse than this term honestly, I AM THANKFUL FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

Be Here

I can’t stop staring at the chip in the nail polish on my fourth finger on my left hand. These annoying little imperfections are the worst. I think I’m an annoying little imperfection. I wonder how much it’d take for me to be able to get out of here.

‘You don’t have to know where you’re going/just why it is you wanna leave…/
…you don’t have to know where you’re going/just where it is you wanna be’

Funny how things can change in the blink of an eye. How feelings you never thought you’d feel can pop up behind you and devour you like nothing else mattered at all. I hate how it sometimes feels like the whole world is working against you to make sure that you can’t get what you want. When people get shoved in your way and just when you realise how much you want them to stay, they get pulled into another life. One without you. Maybe you exist. In the tiniest little corner of their minds, at most. It’s so intrusive. So violent. Feelings are intrusive and violent. 

We once talked about how you have to accept every part of a person, to be willing to love even the worse bits. I guess we didn’t think about life getting in the way. Or maybe it’s just me. *shrugs*

‘Well she wants to get in
and she wants to get out
but the city it calls her name
and the scars that she hides
with those stars in her eyes
like the echoes they’re all the same

Cause it’s all been done before
yes it’s all been done before

And oh, you can let this one go
you can try on your own
but I want you to be here
and oh, now the signs are all quiet
and the streets are all tired
and I want you to be here

Well she’s sick of this town
and the walls in this house
but her pride just won’t let her see
that when she swears that she’s made
with a heart that won’t break
she could be dead but she’d still believe

That it’s all been done before
yes it’s all been done before

And oh, you can let this one go
you can try on your own
but I want you to be here
and oh, now the signs are all quiet
and the streets are all tired
and I want you to be here
oh, I want you to be here

They can tell you that they want you to stay for what you’ve done
they can tell you that it’s alright to be what you’ve become
and you go
cause you know
its for sure

Oh, we can let this one go
you can try on your own
but I want you to be here
and oh, now the signs are all quiet
and the streets are all tired
and I want you to be here

And oh, now I tried to be quiet
but this heart is on fire
and I want you to be here
I want you to be here
I want you to be here
I want you to be here
I want you to be here‘

I don’t know what I’ll do when you’re gone.

Lights Out

11 minutes past midnight.
Lying here, fighting off the desire to drift off into blissful sleep.

The warm glow of the bedside lamp a stark contrast to the huge ‘X’ glowing on my MacBook. “Less than a minute remaining…” I can barely make out what it says; my eyesight is horrible. But one thing’s for sure, it DEFINITELY has been more than a few minutes. Life is full of waiting, isn’t it?

Waiting for signs, for answers, for results, for updates, for something new, for someone, for love, for the day you finally start feeling better, for the day you stop feeling lonely, for life as we know it to come to an end. Yet more often than not we wait so much longer than what we expect to. Failed expectations, false hope, disappointment, or just that ‘it’s not supposed to happen.’

Sometimes the bad guys win. Tonight might be one of those nights.

(This OS X Mavericks update never seems to end)

The Other Side

When two worlds collide, how much of it is counted as a blessing before you start counting the collateral? So far apart, yet somehow brought together. Against the odds.

Really?
All the questions that were flying like bullets in a war-stricken country. “no.” “no.” “no.”
Yet if you dig deep enough, beyond the echoes in the emptiness of this thing that’s keeping me alive, the answer would be yes.

Only in my wildest dreams.
Sometimes things seem so impossibly possible. You are impossibly possible. I don’t even know what that means. I don’t think I’ll ever figure things out. We’ll just leave it at that.

Oh, and happy 18th birthday to me.

There It Goes

The first week of the second semester of my second year.

But let’s not talk about school, because it’s been a mighty eventful week;
Pancakes with some of the youth, Homojalleh, SnapJack, Red, boys singing love songs into the fan, complete spontaneity with Ryan and Matt on the way to discipleship class, rooftop madness with my polyforum mates,

going around Jurong East with Russell, changing the wallpapers of laptops and phones to our faces,

exploring Bukit Batok with Elisha, having a salad instead of ice cream,  getting a birthday surprise after class, and finally, social night.

I know many people are going to ask me how it went so I’ll save you the trouble ☺
It was definitely a different experience, in a good way. Initially (as it always is, with me) I was hit with a wave of inadequacy and a severe wanting to blend into the walls. But (as always, again) I decided to suck it up and hey, it was a good night. ☺ The food was good though I didn’t eat much, and then yay Russell & his friend Dom performed Fix You. And it was so good :’) Hadn’t heard Russ on the keys or sing for a really, really long time and my ears were really happy ☺☺☺ Well then we spent the rest of the night randomly mingling, taking photos and being cool at the photo booth, (We’re too cool for props, our photos with the props turned out too funny for words) OH and singing little mermaid (you want thingamabobs? I’ve got 20!) hehehe. 2 Kool 4 Skool. And after it was over, God held the rain for us to walk all the way down to the other carpark so that our cab (who took ages to arrive) could come get us. And when we got home dad kept talking to Russ about the army that he went home really REALLY late and I feel bad now. But all in all it was a good night and if I had to choose again, I still would’ve chosen to go for social night instead of watching my boys perform at Ion. Really. ☺

Yay ☺

PolyForum 2013

5 days.

Waking up to the smell of mosquito repellant, brushing blanket fluff off my clothes, jacket and mattress, perpetually being covered in Mopiko, listening to the constant strumming of the guitar and beat of the drum, taking showers with bugs, choppy boat rides, sweaty rehearsals;

Amazing people.

I’m guessing you could tell from my previous post that the pre-forum was a complete mess and I was too frustrated for anything. But honestly, it’s when you go through rough times with people that you really get closer. All the pressure we were under for CAP, the complaints we had about the way things were organised, everything. And it really brought us all together.

I can’t express how thankful I am to have met everyone in my sub-theme. Of course, in any group of 60 people you can only be close to a few. And I appreciate every single one of you for each and every moment of those 5 days we spent together. For distracting me and checking on me whenever we were taking boat rides and the waves got choppy, for joining in our improv sessions and singing/rapping, for being so willing to be crazily retarded for our social night performance, for everything basically. It’s not often that I have a friendship like this with those around me and that’s why I was really bummed on the last evening when poly forum ended (maybe also due to my lack of sleep) because I really don’t want to lose contact with anyone.

I’d so much rather write a post about people than the poly forum itself (mainly because it was organized chaos) and oh,

As 5 polys from different sub themes, we completed a successful dance performance with live percussion after 8 hours of practice (choreo included). I have no doubt that our CCIS performances will be great too :)

We might not have discussed many issues about the arts and Singapore and everything like that of which we expected, but we sure had one hell of a time :’) <3

Art is a way of life, it’s my way of life.

 

 

More Than Enough

I’ve tried long enough to go without writing everything down and I just can’t do without that form of release. So I’m typing it here & maybe you’ll somehow get me a bit more. I don’t think I can go on doing this for much longer and I don’t understand why I willingly put myself here. 

There’s been too much time spent making conscious, deliberate decisions to make sure that I don’t exclude myself from everything and everyone around me. I’m so tired of pretending. It’s not like I want to be like this. But I honestly just can’t bring myself to open up to everyone I meet. I can’t afford to. Not after everything.

Yet I’m so tired of being lonely. So tired of always feeling so insecure and paranoid, and then opening up to the first person who’s nice. Tired of living in the shadow of my past. Tired of missing those who don’t deserve to be missed. I know that many others out there have it worse but to me it’s my life and who’s the star in the movie of my life? Me. Don’t get me wrong, I like being alone. Being around people who can be alone together. Sometimes you need people to just be there without having to have a conversation.

If people understood then it’d be so much easier. Of how much effort goes into interacting with people. How much fear there is of being lonely. Of history repeating itself. Of losing everyone.

I don’t want to do this anymore. All that’s happening is that I’m setting the expectations of myself higher than anything I’ve ever expected out of anyone and I just crashed. And it feels like all it took was one blow to knock me over and not want to get up again. But what else is there to do when it seems like you’ve singlehandedly destroyed your only chance of getting out of this race that you’ve been in ever since you could remember?

I want to get out. I need to get out. 

I can’t be around so many people for such long hours at a time. I will break. 

 

Bangkok!

3 days of speeding around in hot pink taxi’s, fearlessly crossing roads and lots of Tom YUMMMM and mango sticky rice. Oh did I forget to mention the shopping? (Most of which I did not do?)

It was very much an adventure, especially when we decided to take a tuk tuk to Chatuchak.

AND THEN IT STARTED POURING.

So we kinda got stranded here ^, but our driver was really nice he stopped and then he called a cab in for us (also up ^ in the photo, MY PHOTO TAKING SKILLS ARE IMPECCABLE) and we braved the floods to shop. My shoes + socks didn’t really make it out alive but hey we did!

This is what it looked like when we got out of the market.

So. There was lots and lots of shopping and eating and…

HAHAHHAHA. Stood there and laughed at it for quite a while but the food was gooooood :) We also went to Tao Kae Noi land which was really awesome cos SEAWEED PARADISE!!!!! (If I’m meeting you in the near future you most probably will get some) All in all it was a good time of ‘I don’t need to think’. I think I am now a Tom Yum convert. Yay.

Byebye.